I just made this account to have a place to write when I need to. Because writing a diary on MySpace only gets people to beg you to tell them whatapos;s inside.
This has been the worst week ever. My girlfriend Emily has been acting so strange for the last week. Once I told her jokingly that I didnapos;t think I knew her anymore. She said "Probably." "Are you joking?" "No, not really at all." What was I supposed to think? She eventually told me that she was kidding. I didnapos;t believe her. I asked her if she still wanted to runaway. Weapos;d always talked like this, and sheapos;d always say Yes. Weapos;d always talk about running away to San Francisco, where we would start a poor but romantic life together. This time she said "No, Iapos;m pretty content. " She admitted after this extremely awkward conversation on the phone that she has been confused lately.�I asked "About us?" She said "A little." I said�"About you and someone else?" She said "No." But she had mentioned that her ex boyfriend Matt had asked her out to lunch recently. She said itapos;d be wrong for her to go, but that itapos;d be nice to "catch�up." I�told her that I trust her, and that if she had to do it then she could. Of course I didnapos;t really feel comfortable with it, but I DO�trust her and Iapos;m not the smothering type of boyfriend. I donapos;t have any reason to assume that anythingapos;s going on, but I had a gut feeling. Iapos;ve always been intimidated by Matt. Even when Iapos;m driving by somewhere that Iapos;d seen the 2 of them in photos together. I just get this awful feeling that someday, theyapos;ll get back together.
Emily doesnapos;t really like to talk about important things. She gets emotional and chokes up and says nothing. Complete silence. Youapos;d almost think that she was mute. Friday night I was supposed to stay with her in her dorm. She told me that I should go stay with a friend, her mom was coming in the morning. It seemed odd that sheapos;d ask me to leave, especially since we only see each other twice a week or so. Before I left, I decided that we had to talk about it. I mean, things were different. Everything was different. It felt like something was missing. She treated me differently, strangely. She looked at me different, with less love and more guilt. When I held her, it felt like she was clinging onto me. Clinging on to our relationship and everything weapos;ve had together for the last 16 months. So I asked her,�"Emily, whatapos;s wrong? We need to talk about this or we canapos;t fix it." She said "Nothing." Bullshit. I kept asking and asking, no answer. Finally I got a little more agressive. "We HAVE�TO�TALK�ABOUT�THIS EMILY." Itapos;s true. If we didnapos;t, how would anything get resolved? She wouldnapos;t say anything.�I hugged her and said "I love you" she said she loved me back. I left. It felt wrong. I got to the elevator, hoping that sheapos;d run out and stop me and tell me what sheapos;s been confused about. We would embrace and everything would end up fine. Thatapos;s what would happen in a perfect world. I walked all the way to my car. I texted her, called her, left her a message. She finally sent one that said "I know I have a problem."�I said "I canapos;t leave like this. Iapos;m coming back." I went back up and started the same old thing. I laid down with her, it felt strange still. How could she say nothing? This was live or die. Eventually I left again, feeling empty.
Saturday, yesterday, I texted her, she was avoiding my questions. I told her that it was dumb. That nothing was going to get better if we didnapos;t talk.
Now Iapos;ve been guilty of talking to other girls, I can even admit that Iapos;ve flirted with other girls. But Iapos;ve never hung out with them, never cheated, never would, never could. She read my texts once, she found out. I�apologized and apologized and assured her that nothing was going on, that I had made a dumb mistake and that was all. She didnapos;t talk then either.
When she replied back, she said "A lot of my insecurities about you flirting with other girls and whatnot come from relationship problems of my own."�I said�"What do you mean?" She said "Lately Iapos;ve been having feelings out of nowhere." I said�"About other guys?"�She said�"About Matt." Her ex. Now Iapos;ve been having a miserable week. Iapos;ve felt empty and worthless and unwanted. Iapos;d thought about the possibility that sheapos;d cheated on me, or that she was falling out of love. Well she hasnapos;t hung out with him, but sheapos;s got these feelings. I was extremely calm, very very sad, but calm. I donapos;t know why.�I was trying to be reasonable and fair and understanding. She told me she didnapos;t know how I was handling it so well. I knew that I wouldnapos;t handle it well later, but this might as well be comfortable. I told her that I canapos;t fix this, that this was beyond my control. And it is. If I had done something wrong, I could make sure that I worked harder to make it work, but she canapos;t help her feelings and I canapos;t either. If sheapos;s fallen out of love with me, how can I been in love back?�I am, I really am still in love with her, but if the feeling isnapos;t mutual, it can only fade away. I told her that sheapos;d be happier, heapos;d probably enroll at ISU, heapos;s there all the time anyway. I was trying to make it easy for her to leave me. She said that she didnapos;t want this to end. I believed her. I�still do. I donapos;t want it to end either, but sheapos;s going to keep acting different as long as she has those feelings. And what if those feelings never go away? What if her feelings for him are stronger than her feelings for me? I said�"I�donapos;t want it to end either, but these feelings arenapos;t going to go away."�She said "They can." "What if they donapos;t? Do you want them to?" We kept talking like this. I was crying. She said she had to go to bed. I asked her if we were still together. She said "If you want to." I said�"Emily, Iapos;m still in love with you. This is your choice to make." She said "Yes"�I told her that I hoped she that made her as happy as it made me.�She said good night, I said�"Does it feel wrong to say I�love you?"�She said�"No, I love you Nathan."�I told her the same. It didnapos;t feel true though. It felt like she loved everything weapos;ve had, but that itapos;s gone now.
Iapos;m convinced that this is unsalvageable. That we cannot fix this. That sheapos;s thinking only of him, and hoping that it changes. I donapos;t think itapos;s going to change. Iapos;m sitting her, feeling like weapos;re half together. Like Iapos;m sitting here waiting for her to choose who she wants to be with. And I know that Iapos;m the loser in this matchup.
I can admit, Iapos;ve had feelings for Robin too. Sheapos;s even suspected it. But they were never so strong that I treated Emily different. I even started talking to Robin quite a bit, we even hung out. We took a walk together, into the woods, alone. It was dark. We were both having a good time. I wanted to kiss her. I didnapos;t. Like I said, I canapos;t cheat, I wouldnapos;t want to. I was tempted but I overcame it. In the end I wanted Emily more. I only wish that Emily could handle this like me.
I know that this is going to end soon. If she doesnapos;t, Iapos;ll have to, I�canapos;t keep wondering whatapos;s going to happen. Iapos;m going to be heartbroken.�Iapos;m going to be straight depressed. Iapos;m already sick of this routine. Go to school, go to work. I donapos;t have many friends here at home. I donapos;t know what Iapos;ll do to keep my mind off of it. This is my longest relationship. This is my most meaningful relationship. Iapos;ve learned the most with this relationship. I know that everywhere I go, Iapos;m going to think of her. I�know everytime I turn on the radio, Iapos;m going to hear something that she loves. All of the gifts, the photos. Even stupid shit like changing my Facebook status. I�know Iapos;m going to stare at the screen for half an hour before I get the heart to change it. Itapos;s so dumb, but itapos;s the truth.
I always thought that itapos;d be better to end something like this peacefully. With a lot of understanding and maturity. Now I think that a violent and hateful ending might be better. Because at least then Iapos;d have my pride. But now, to be left for someone else?�I feel worthless, lower than low. As if Iapos;m diseased and noone will want me anymore. Iapos;ll have no confidence, no pride, no drive, no motivation, no fun, no happiness. My life will go dark, and all of the color and good things out there will just be sucked out of the world.
drawing looney tune, first air jordans, first air conditioners, first air conditioner invented, first air conditioner.
